Last week I came home to a pitch black apartment. Like, can’t-see-in-front-of you kind of black out. Our whole entire apartment complex did not have electricity or heat… of course, on one of the coldest nights that week… It was a disaster. After I manage to clam down from my anxiety attack of being alone… in the dark… I scurried about in my apartment, like a naked mole rat, trying to find our flash lights and candles.
A few aching toes and bruises later, I found the candles and lit up the apartment like it was Dracula’s layer. It wasn’t long before my husband joined me in our now eerie layer. Huddled under my blanket, Jorge brought out one of my favorite board games, scrabble. As usual, Jorge turned my anxiety of being in the dark into a romantic evening of a candle lit scrabble match. How does he do that?!
Few minutes into our game, I had forgotten about the fact it was dark and cold. I was listening to Jorge as he shared his day with me, and I was busying planning my next two moves. And that’s when I saw it. Fear. A 4-letter word, worth 7 points with a powerful punch.
Lately, I felt as if something is holding me back. And for the longest, I couldn’t tell you what it was. I’ve been occupied with school, switching my nursing degree to a Biology degree. It took a while for me to make the switch because I was scared of what my husband and family would think; after opening up and being honest with them, I couldn’t have been more happy with the support my family has provided me. Then there is talk about buying a house… Am I really ready to be a homeowner? Part of it is admitting the fact that we will never return to New Jersey. Lastly, the mother of all my insecurities and fears, taking something I love doing and turning it into a business.
During this winter break, I reflected on the things I’ve learned this past year; learning how to second shoot, meeting other photographers, working with other photographers, branding and finding my style. I’m also learning about small businesses, the rules, laws, marketing, clientele… it’s an overwhelming list. All of it is overwhelming. So overwhelming that I openly admit to Jorge that I’m comfortable just being a second shooter. He just looks at me, with a confused expression and ask, “What are you afraid of?” BOOM! That’s when I wake up. My fear is failure. I am so scared of putting my all into making a dream to a reality, only to set myself up for failure. But that’s wrong. That’s a wrong way of thinking. My fears doesn’t shut me down, it wakes me up.
As of today, I am going to stoping living in fear. Stop worrying about the what ifs, or the risks. I am going to put my all into everything I do and believe it will work out. And if it doesn’t, I will pick myself back up and try a different route. Wow. I didn’t expect for this post to get so deep, it just flowed right out. It feels good to let it all out.
I guess found a form of therapy… scrabble! Happy Tuesday!